nstantly acquire all the knowledge you need to pass as an expert in the world of poetry and verse (bluffers might be surprised to discover that there is a difference). Never again confuse an anapest with a distich, a panegyric with a polemical, or a haiku with someone clearing their throat. Bask in the admiration of your fellow soi-disant literati as you pronounce confidently on the comparative merits of a rhapsody and an elegy, or a dactyl with a spondee, and effortlessly learn how to hold your own when extolling the sublime gifts of possibly the greatest poet who has ever lived – William Topaz McGonagall. DO SAY: `Yes, I suppose it’s about time I rediscovered (insert name here), although I’m afraid that I’ve always found him/her a little too deceptive. On the other hand he/she also has a tendency towards the tiresomely reductive. In the past my response to his/her work can only be described as lacklustre . . . but everybody deserves a second chance.’ DON’T SAY: `There was a young lady from Bude/ Who went for a swim in the nude/ . . . .’