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You're goddamn right I'm still sitting at the same weathered wooden table in the back of Manhattan's oldest bar where I just finished my first masterpiece At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed. The second I finished it, I started writing this one. I'm now 14 beers deep, and I've polished off an entire eight ball of yay. The phrase "everything in moderation" applies to everything except cocaine, booze, and prostitutes. If you haven't read my last book then you probably won't fucking understand anything in this book, so you should probably go buy that first and stop being poor. It's fucking gross.
Let's get something straight, my life is so important that you should be grateful I'm even doing this. Seriously, do you know another motherfucker like me? Me neither. So let's get down to brass, in the last book I told you that I was going to off myself after completing my life story. That still holds true. My trusty handgun is still loaded next to my Remington Rand typewriter that Hemingway pissed on, and you know the fucking bartender isn't going to cut me off, so I'm going to sit here and keep writing my memoirs until I finish. To answer your question, no, I haven't gotten up for bathroom breaks. I just piss on the floor.
Who the shit am I? A Lover. A fighter. A door-to-door used sweater salesman. I'm that dude who doesn't pull out with strangers, especially on vacation, and I've been to Cozumel. That's in Mexico. If you feel jealous after reading that, you should be. Mexico is rad. I take a 3 day vacation twice a year there, and I don't pack boxers. But that's just me, you know? Hardcore. I once babysat a kid who just graduated college. My best attribute is that I'm trustworthy. I'll go through your medicine cabinet to make sure you've never been injured in a car accident though. I'll watch you sleep for weeks on end outside your house just because I can. I'll give your dog a Snickers bar if I feel like "he's not being himself." This is who I am. This is my life. If this is too hot for you, rewire all the electrical outlets inside your kitchen.