An absurdist take on writing a book, first time author Josh Rolph lays out in humorous, self-deprecating form, a sit-down comedian's dream of writing so many words that he can declare to the world he is an author. The book is an exaggerated memoir and self-help parody on book writing. It exposes how his desperation to become an author far exceeds his desire to write a book, yet after an impossibly long stretch of time making and breaking all self-imposed rules, he manages to get the job done. In a familiar, conversational style, the book showcases everything from the joys of writing a preface - at great length in the preface itself - to the travails of upping the word count. Woven throughout is a collection of "filler" material with essays ranging from yogurt to pants, adapted from my obscure blog and podcast. Two subsequent volumes will continue to follow the story of becoming an author of books (vol. 2) and a multi-volume series (vol. 3). Wannabe author Josh Rolph does all he can to type words in order to produce a book so he can carry the "author" title for the rest of his life. "Just like becoming a mother," Rolph authoritatively declares, "once an author, always an author." He continues, "The author credential can only be taken away if it's proved that you plagiarized. And believe me, the only thing plagiarized in this book is chapters four through twenty-one." This once-in-a-millennia book showcases everything from the joys of writing a preface - at great length in the preface itself - to the travails of upping the word count. Full of essays on meandering topics, "Now I Can Say I'm an Author" proves that literally anyone can write a book. Featuring essays on yogurt, pants, the death penalty, tattoos, the word "pizzazz," nakedness, and much, much, oh so much more.