If Only I'd Slept More...

If Only I’d Slept More… A collection of skits, sketches, stories and satires, from the ‘unique’ imagination of Paul Murphy.

“Stuff I’d amassed over the years, that never got used, in either a book or my stand-up act. Odd bits and bits of odd, usually that come to you at 3 eh-em, when you just wanna sleep, or repaint the Sistine Chapel in the style of M.C. Escher. Eventually you think, ‘Well, I got to use this stuff…’ – so here’s some of it. I knew a guy that once fell down the stairs at M.C. Escher’s place… he’s still falling…”

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5 THINGS YOU CAN USE A TORTOISE FOR
1. Cracking walnuts.
2. A Frisbee
3. Mugging old ladies.
4. A doorstop.
5. Foreplay.
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5 EXTRACTS FROM THE HITHERTO SECRET COOKING DIARY OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE
November 26: I am attempting to convey my theorem that ‘existence precedes essence’ in ice cream, but am having little success.

November 28: It is quite clear that dairy products are inherently against my doctrine that when an external object is perceived, consciousness is also conscious of itself; I shall ponder which food group is more amenable to having its thoughts provoked.

November 30: I am working on several dishes at once but posit that, by definition, baked egg-based dishes must better reflect the conflict between oppressive, spiritually destructive conformity and an authentic way of “being”. I have redirected my efforts into making the perfect souffle, one that functions ultimately as a bourgeois substitute for real commitment in the world, whilst at the same time, help a modest budget go far.

December 01: Whilst it may be the perfect meal for Marxism, I cannot for the life of me work out how to correlate its spelling with its pronunciation.

December 02: I have tried all combinations of the primary ingredients – egg whites, cream sauce, being and nothingness – but still feel something is lacking.

December 3: I have decided that the missing ingredient from my recipe is unrequited love. I have therefore married a beaver.

December 4: Camus informs me that, statistically, 1 in 4 marriages to aquatic water mammals end in divorce. Part of me is encouraged by this, but part of me cries “He is merely jealous!” and wants to inform him that, statistically, every person on this planet has one breast and one testicle. …..
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